But. Cue the hugely uncomfortable elephant in the room. The conversation game changer that turned what was an off-comment I had moved on from into 12 Whatsapp messages, a sorely bruised ego (yes, mine) and a rapidly-engulfing wave of emotion. It went something like this….
Curiosity – ‘why so many messages?’; anxiety – (she felt scanning line 1 of many) ‘I couldn’t be in a relationship because what?!’; disbelief – ‘I make everything about me?’; humiliation – (reading a crafted list of several topics I discuss) ‘but these things were important to me at the time’; hurt – ‘does everyone else think I’m a broken record?’ You get the picture, right? It went from bad to severe. And when I thought that he couldn’t have taken a larger chunk out of my soul, he drops the finishing move like an absolute pro. “You have the makings of the perfect wife but…never mind.” [Pause for dramatic effect]
In the heat of my embarrassment, ordinarily my instincts would have propelled me to defence mode in 0-60 seconds. However, having a sharp tongue has never done me any favours so instead I held it down; swallowed my pride into the vacuum he’d created in my chest and rather diplomatically thanked him for enlightening me, on me.
This was never a conversation about my suitability as a wife. There are plenty of lengthy modules left to go in my so-called ‘wifey programme,’ including: perfecting my West Indian cooking, tuning into others, learning the art of touch and most of all, self exploration and love. Books can help me along; sign post me to unfamiliar areas and insights but the knowledge and wisdom thereafter, is only learnt through experience and most importantly, independence.
When I decided to use the small situation above as inspiration for a post, I did have a trail of thought in mind, I promise, but now as I’m writing that has drifted elsewhere but I guess the point is that we need to really assess the suitability of the men in our lives. Cross-examine and investigate the hell out of them and their intentions. A male friend of mine said to me sometime ago that women have been conditioned to distrust their intuition, which we have. We sense that something is off but then ignore the catalyst and turn the gun on us rather than analysing the variables. Peace of mind being the dependent and those you let in, the independents. Only difference is, this isn’t some experiment in a lab.
No one knows you better than you know yourself, first of all, so let’s stop falling for the trickery. Being a woman is about change, second, but that change should never be influenced by your desire to please someone else. And what I’m going to round up this 500 words on is above all, happiness and self-acceptance, should be your motive. Find it through yourself and all will be right in your world. Live, Love, Learn.