The Perils vs. Perks of Desiring Older Men

'Older Man With Younger Man' (1985) photographed by Ken Schles. Source:

‘Older Man With Younger Man’ (1985) photographed by Ken Schles. Source:

Younger women older men, Older women younger men, is far from a new concept; hook-ups are breaking generation boundaries all over the world. Fetish may be too strong of a word but there is undeniably something about an older man which I find far more appealing than one of my own age, and have done for quite some time.
While men of my own age have tended to put me on an misjudged pedestal, after evaluating a cross-section of their previous and deciding that I was this profound and supreme being who had it all together, an older man sees right through it. Your words aren’t enough to fool them as they judge women by their actions, not a hazy façade that you create so well.
Nonetheless, there’s a reason why this post refers to ‘desiring’ older men as opposed to ‘relationships’ with older men because I haven’t yet accomplished that feat. In the meantime, I present the reality of what one of these ‘seeingships’ entail for an age gap in the region of 10 years or more.


Pressure to impress

An older man has his criteria of what he wants in a partner at that particular time, if he’s ready, or has quite a clear idea of the type of woman he seeks. No matter how much ‘potential’ you have – that word alone suggests that you’re not quite there yet – forcing yourself to be their archetypal woman is a futile effort. Growing into who you are is a process. Consider how a caterpillar morphs into a butterfly – would you sacrifice its journey for the sake of the outcome? I think not. They’ve had their chance and it’s vital that you also grab yours.

Highlights your naivety

Innocence is a double-edged sword. It is alluring to an older man to entertain your innocence which has much to do with their willingness to teach. Innocence also indicates a lack of baggage; a more vibrant energy, and for an older man this is refreshing. However, it becomes negative when you find yourself illogically trying to compensate for a deficit of, in my case, more than 10 years. Sexually, socially, financially, career-wise, you have much to learn and if not careful, you’ll find self-doubt becomes like a parasite.

Different objectives

If you’re of your early 20s, have a 5-10 year plan laminated on your wall, then skip past this point and kudos to you. I’ll put my mouth on the line and say, that does not reflect the majority, and an older man does not have the time, patience, or intention to wait for you to figure this out. While you’re daydreaming, planning backpacking trips, still living at home with minimal savings; they’re in more of an ideal situation to build an empire, so either you’re in or you’re out. Don’t be deluded. Your end goals may be the same but it’s a race you won’t win.

Instant responsibilities

A little more than just tending to your home or throwing together a Sunday lunch let’s say, coming together means being united in every aspect. Living with someone equals sharing the same space, deciding how to cultivate your home environment, plus paying a considerable amount of bills. To do all of that takes emotional maturity, clear communication and a consistent, stable income from both parties. Not only that but you have a duty to nurture someone else emotionally – it’s no longer all about you and you’ll be expected to hit the ground running.

Sex and Babies

Interlinked, of course, but I’ll tackle each one in turn. The intimacy that you experience with an older man is incomparable to someone less skilful, but your inexperience is only cute for a little while. Sexuality is exploratory so giving you pleasure, gives them pleasure, but a man wants to feel desired and occasionally, submit all control, meaning you need to step up. And I say no more on that. Now onto babies. Talks of starting a family could come very soon but whose timing dictates to that decision? Yours or his? You may also need to question whether you’re considering it on some level to please them and keep them or because you genuinely hope to start a family with them. Babies are forever while relationships don’t have that same assurance.


Gentleman behaviour

Being swept off your feet is a feeling that exists, I’m happy to say, and I’m grateful to have experienced a fraction of it as I know the universe has more to bring! Some of the mature, gentlemanly behaviours I’ve encountered so far include: taking the lead, vulnerability, being openly affectionate, catering to my needs, showing me how beautiful and deserving a woman I am. Younger men don’t always get it because more often than not their ego doesn’t allow for you to shine; it’s like two divas clawing at each other for a solo performance. An older man will sit back and admire, rather than compete.

Highlight the real

I’m the first to admit that my pride can get in the way of friendly, but deemed unwelcome, advice. We think we know it all and sometimes have an unwillingness, to open our eyes and ears to what’s really going on. An older man, again we come back to time and patience, is at a point where they are unashamedly honest and that’s ultimately what provokes change or progression in someone. Their intention is not to patronise or undermine, though you may take it in that way; it’s simply to educate and highlight any misconceptions or skewed ideas you might have.

New shared experiences

Imagination has nothing on older men and the older you get, the less inclined you are to create excuses for living life. This opens up a never-ending list of what you can do together! Weird, wonderful and everything in-between because guess what? They don’t care about what anyone thinks; they’re comfortable in who they are, so their response to you will always be, “why not?” Older men are daring and adventurous; age has absolutely nothing to do with it. Not much that suggest will shock or intimidate them because they’ve probably done worse.

Selfless agenda

Support from an older man has the power to make you feel capable of anything because they don’t hold back the fact that they believe in you. Even when you can’t see it; they’ll acknowledge the talents that you have, and encourage you fulfil your ambitions. It’s not about the throwaway compliments, which I actually found were less frequent, but there’s power behind their words; they choose them carefully. I say it’s a selfless agenda in that they sincerely want for you to step into your potential as a woman, whether it’s them who end up tasting the divine fruits or not; they care.

Unique perspective

Older men have two very purposeful gifts: foresight and hindsight. A lot of situations that you’ll find yourself in, they’ve already experienced, and wished they had someone to coach them through it. No need to reinvent the wheel, as they say; all of the wisdom is there for you which they’re more than happy to share. Generation gaps also provide insightful exchanges where conversation is concerned, and you’ll each find yourselves being enlightened on subjects you may never have delved into. As much as you’re learning from him, he’s absorbing from you too, and is enjoying it equally as much.


Leave a comment

  1. Kashleigh
    April 13, 2014 / 2:09 pm

    LOVE this.

  2. April 21, 2014 / 12:32 pm

    In retrospective i can agree with most of your points when it comes to dating older men, nonetheless i do feel some aspects such as ‘instant responsibly’ may only come if you two decide to live together and probably is down to the individual i suppose, as you may find that you both has a totally different lifestyle, it is not something i have experience. I think the need to impress is pivitol when it comes to that journey of dating an older man and most of the time it is not the need to impress him but the need to impress his friends :), i guess they interlink, over time you may start feeling like a kept woman-some may argue that is not so much of a bad thing!

    From the older men i know that dates younger women, talk of babies in not at the forefront, unless of course it is coming from the younger woman. Older men tend to have that already, probably from past relationship and there is that ‘enjoying life’ syndrome going on.

    Over time if you are both in it for the long haul, you learn to find that balance and assume your role.

    • April 27, 2014 / 5:59 pm

      Hi Lorien, thanks for writing a comment, I really appreciate it. You’re definitely right in what you’ve said. Some older men have been there done that with the responsibility stuff so they’re now after strictly fun, while others want to start a family so a younger woman may not be best placed at her time of life. Those were all my subjective observations based on experience so they differ from situation to situation but it was cathartic to put it all out there lol

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