Somewhere in one of the many journals I’ve written since teenagehood is a page with short, medium and long-term goals. There are also three column headings describing how I defined the different aspects of myself: writer, helper and businesswoman. Let me explain…
Writing helped me during the years I was trying to make sense of the drama and instability around me which was out of my control. But I evolved from those circumstances able to deeply empathise with other people’s pain. Helping people is just an innate part of my nature. I do it naturally and freely in the hope should I ever need a hand, several will be extended towards me.
Now, also inscribed in these journals, and something I was recently both surprised and saddened to discover, are ideas. Youth projects, my hand-drawn ‘Street Style’ magazine logo which juxtaposed graffiti and italic font, and much more.
Very few of my ideas were financially-driven as I’m just not wired this way, so the businesswoman I felt within myself wasn’t an entrepreneur as such, it was someone capable of being their own boss and leading people. I still have visions of directing a production team in a remote part of what looks like Africa or the Caribbean as I stoop down to begin interviewing my elder subject on who knows?! How to achieve true happiness probably.
For all of my insecurities, I actually believe I could make a success of working for myself. Monetary success will not be immediate, but freedom of creativity and thought will lead to it, I’m sure. The freedom to breathe life into ideas and brainstorm them in the first place is what I’m craving. While at my desk for a job I’m incredibly grateful for, my mind drifts to everything I could, but can’t do for myself under the restrictions of a company where I’m nothing more than a byline. Without an ounce of cockiness, I think: ‘I’m more than this’.
Despite the obvious challenges which come with self-employment, I’m desperate to see what I’m really made of. Could I survive on my ingenuity, strength and talent alone when money makes the world go round? It’s like when I decided to take my hair back to natural – curiosity just overwhelmed me. There was no way of knowing how I’d feel without the feminine mask of hair, or how I will react without the false sense of security full-time employment brings. However my inquisitiveness (farseness for my black readers) makes me want to try it regardless.
A select few gave me mixed opinions on how stupid leaving my job without another opportunity lined up is. Given I’m so sensible I’m practically horizontal, of course, I know it’s not a wise decision. Nonetheless when I observed the time after writing this it was 11.20pm. I’d done nothing that evening but fry tofu, ruin noodles which only needed dousing in boiling water, tidy my bedroom, drink a mug of tea and attempt to watch Towie underneath my duvet. Time is unrelenting. Plus I’m three years from 30 and have something to prove to myself.
If this sounds like you or people you’ve worked with, for the life coach extraordinaires reading this, please leave your comments below. I’d love to hear your thoughts or advice.