Category Archives: Relationships

FRIDAY BRIEFING: Freaky versus Frigid – Is it still as simple as that?

With all the knowledge society has gifted us about the intricacies of female sexuality; for ease of labelling, our sexual behaviour and how we identify ourselves is uncomfortably forced into one of two tenuous phrases: freaky or frigid.

Listed in The Telegraph’s Dictionary of 14 words used to describe women, ‘frigid’ dates back to the Victorian era when we were thought to be a bit stiff, and prescribed ‘vaginal massage’ (yes, masturbation) to treat so-called hysteria and all manner of sexual ‘dysfunction’. I, myself was introduced to the word from behind a school desk; backed in by two giddy 10-year-olds who quizzed me on whether I was or wasn‘t. While naivety rendered me clueless, I gauged his response from my unconvincing, “No” and took a vow of silence for the rest of the afternoon.

Freaky, on the other hand, fast-forward more than a decade, has morphed into something of a double-edged sword – a seal of approval from males but a way of demeaning women who take pride in loving sex. But it’s either that or be seen as sexually inferior and unable to satisfy man’s sexual urges.

As a rule of thumb, nobody is either or, but what I feel separates a lady with freakish tendencies is ownership of her experience and the absence of shame for acting upon her fetishes. Frigid suggests reserve and timidity, not least a lack of desire but simply, a stifling of. Where I’m positioned on the spectrum, I’ve already decided, but read on to see what others had to say when I posed the question:

‘How do you define a woman as being ‘freaky’ versus ‘frigid’?’  

Sourced from: cultureandlife.co.uk

Sourced from: cultureandlife.co.uk

Freak is open to most sexual ventures and is naturally curious; confident in her ability to please a man/ woman. A frigid girl may be curious but not openly so. She may be aiming to maintain a level of virtuous conduct or may not have met a man who makes her that comfortable. I’d say there is a medium between the two. A girl can venture onto either side depending on how comfortable or turned on she is; even maybe how in love she might be. Female, 23

I don’t believe a female should be defined as any. You are determining a woman’s sexual countenance based on ideas that have no concrete definitions. Her being ‘frigid’ is based on the perspective of the other person’s level of ‘freakiness’ as it were. It’s all very subjective and there is no definitive answer unless you are going by the census of society and even then, there’s still a lot of scope as to what is frigid and what is not! Female, 25

So a frigid girl is someone who isn’t very sexual – no, scratch that – who isn’t sexual at all! There’s nothing worse than a girl who only wants to spend time hugging and talking; men can only take so much of that until they get bored. A freak is a girl that will catch a man off-guard. Remember, when it comes to sex, men will always rate themselves very highly. If she’s a freak then she’s doing stuff to him in a certain way that he’s never experienced. Male, 26

My definition of freak is no limits. I’d do whatever the guy wants me to do plus it’s about a girl’s attitude during. Female, 24

Freaks have no inhibitions and do not believe in holding anything back. Freaks are supremely confident at instigating. Frigid are afraid of letting go, worry what people will think and would rather things happen to them than take equal part. Male, 35

I believe a freak is someone who knows what they like and isn’t afraid to ask for it, or even take it. Whereas a frigid person is someone that may not be too interested in sex or maybe afraid of being judged, or afraid of the actual act itself. Female, 24

Sourced from: lobbiazblog.wordpress.com

Sourced from: lobbiazblog.wordpress.com

 Freak: she’s not feminine at all, gross, bizarre sexual perversions. Frigid: she’s not comfortable with her body, her personality and thus her sexuality. She’s anaesthetised against her true desires of any nature and unable to enjoy life at any level. Boring. Male, 25

Frigid: someone that’s close-minded about sex and everything to do with it. They don’t fully communicate what they like freely and take it too seriously. Unconfident and uncomfortable with sex. Freak: someone fully expressive with sex, open- minded, communicates what they like and fully enjoys it. Open to exploring things and is passionate. Male, 23

Freak is ready to do anything that satisfies her man. Frigid girl won’t step out of her comfort zone to satisfy the ‘D’. Male, 23

A freak is more outgoing. A freak is sexually liberated and likes to pursue experimentation with her given partner. However, a ‘freak’ is another label given to women to define them as different to men, and so is ‘frigid’. That on the other hand, suggests a female is more sexually introverted, if at all. There is nothing wrong with either, all females start their sexual experiences at different times in life. These terms are just labels to box them up, yet again! Female, 25

I would define a freak as a girl that is willing and ready to explore the whole frontier of sexual experiences. This doesn’t necessarily mean that she sleeps around but she is very open-minded with her partner. A frigid girl is uncomfortable with merely the discussion of sex and even when she does have sex, she is very formal and ‘to the book’ about it. In other words – boring. Male, 24

What would make me consider someone a freak is if their boundaries exceed my expectation of them; frigid is the opposite. Male, 23

Frigid: I wouldn’t personally use the term to describe a woman or her sexuality. Circumstance: go on several dates with a girl, she’s happy to come to your house and make-out but she says “no” to sex and doesn’t waive her decision. Simply not willing to give into a man’s sexual needs without a good excuse. Freak: there’s no such thing. Circumstance: being sexually liberated (not free) on a need-to-fuck basis. Comfortable with how, where and what you’d like done or to do with your body. E.g. a woman asking her partner to masturbate in front of her = freaky; a guy asking = horny. Female, 23

A freak is a babe who likes to do kinky stuff in bed and likes sex a lot. While a frigid female is someone who’s cold in bed and doesn’t like to explore. Male, 33

 A freak is very adventurous in bed and is open to trying new things. A daring woman she does not have to be promiscuous, just freaky with one partner. A frigid woman is set in her ways; she will not be spontaneous and likes the same routine. Male, 22

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The Perils vs. Perks of Desiring Older Men

'Older Man With Younger Man' (1985) photographed by Ken Schles. Source: www.americansuburbx.com

‘Older Man With Younger Man’ (1985) photographed by Ken Schles. Source: http://www.americansuburbx.com

Younger women older men, Older women younger men, is far from a new concept; hook-ups are breaking generation boundaries all over the world. Fetish may be too strong of a word but there is undeniably something about an older man which I find far more appealing than one of my own age, and have done for quite some time.
While men of my own age have tended to put me on an misjudged pedestal, after evaluating a cross-section of their previous and deciding that I was this profound and supreme being who had it all together, an older man sees right through it. Your words aren’t enough to fool them as they judge women by their actions, not a hazy façade that you create so well.
Nonetheless, there’s a reason why this post refers to ‘desiring’ older men as opposed to ‘relationships’ with older men because I haven’t yet accomplished that feat. In the meantime, I present the reality of what one of these ‘seeingships’ entail for an age gap in the region of 10 years or more.

Perils

Pressure to impress

An older man has his criteria of what he wants in a partner at that particular time, if he’s ready, or has quite a clear idea of the type of woman he seeks. No matter how much ‘potential’ you have – that word alone suggests that you’re not quite there yet – forcing yourself to be their archetypal woman is a futile effort. Growing into who you are is a process. Consider how a caterpillar morphs into a butterfly – would you sacrifice its journey for the sake of the outcome? I think not. They’ve had their chance and it’s vital that you also grab yours.

Highlights your naivety

Innocence is a double-edged sword. It is alluring to an older man to entertain your innocence which has much to do with their willingness to teach. Innocence also indicates a lack of baggage; a more vibrant energy, and for an older man this is refreshing. However, it becomes negative when you find yourself illogically trying to compensate for a deficit of, in my case, more than 10 years. Sexually, socially, financially, career-wise, you have much to learn and if not careful, you’ll find self-doubt becomes like a parasite.

Different objectives

If you’re of your early 20s, have a 5-10 year plan laminated on your wall, then skip past this point and kudos to you. I’ll put my mouth on the line and say, that does not reflect the majority, and an older man does not have the time, patience, or intention to wait for you to figure this out. While you’re daydreaming, planning backpacking trips, still living at home with minimal savings; they’re in more of an ideal situation to build an empire, so either you’re in or you’re out. Don’t be deluded. Your end goals may be the same but it’s a race you won’t win.

Instant responsibilities

A little more than just tending to your home or throwing together a Sunday lunch let’s say, coming together means being united in every aspect. Living with someone equals sharing the same space, deciding how to cultivate your home environment, plus paying a considerable amount of bills. To do all of that takes emotional maturity, clear communication and a consistent, stable income from both parties. Not only that but you have a duty to nurture someone else emotionally – it’s no longer all about you and you’ll be expected to hit the ground running.

Sex and Babies

Interlinked, of course, but I’ll tackle each one in turn. The intimacy that you experience with an older man is incomparable to someone less skilful, but your inexperience is only cute for a little while. Sexuality is exploratory so giving you pleasure, gives them pleasure, but a man wants to feel desired and occasionally, submit all control, meaning you need to step up. And I say no more on that. Now onto babies. Talks of starting a family could come very soon but whose timing dictates to that decision? Yours or his? You may also need to question whether you’re considering it on some level to please them and keep them or because you genuinely hope to start a family with them. Babies are forever while relationships don’t have that same assurance.

Perks

Gentleman behaviour

Being swept off your feet is a feeling that exists, I’m happy to say, and I’m grateful to have experienced a fraction of it as I know the universe has more to bring! Some of the mature, gentlemanly behaviours I’ve encountered so far include: taking the lead, vulnerability, being openly affectionate, catering to my needs, showing me how beautiful and deserving a woman I am. Younger men don’t always get it because more often than not their ego doesn’t allow for you to shine; it’s like two divas clawing at each other for a solo performance. An older man will sit back and admire, rather than compete.

Highlight the real

I’m the first to admit that my pride can get in the way of friendly, but deemed unwelcome, advice. We think we know it all and sometimes have an unwillingness, to open our eyes and ears to what’s really going on. An older man, again we come back to time and patience, is at a point where they are unashamedly honest and that’s ultimately what provokes change or progression in someone. Their intention is not to patronise or undermine, though you may take it in that way; it’s simply to educate and highlight any misconceptions or skewed ideas you might have.

New shared experiences

Imagination has nothing on older men and the older you get, the less inclined you are to create excuses for living life. This opens up a never-ending list of what you can do together! Weird, wonderful and everything in-between because guess what? They don’t care about what anyone thinks; they’re comfortable in who they are, so their response to you will always be, “why not?” Older men are daring and adventurous; age has absolutely nothing to do with it. Not much that suggest will shock or intimidate them because they’ve probably done worse.

Selfless agenda

Support from an older man has the power to make you feel capable of anything because they don’t hold back the fact that they believe in you. Even when you can’t see it; they’ll acknowledge the talents that you have, and encourage you fulfil your ambitions. It’s not about the throwaway compliments, which I actually found were less frequent, but there’s power behind their words; they choose them carefully. I say it’s a selfless agenda in that they sincerely want for you to step into your potential as a woman, whether it’s them who end up tasting the divine fruits or not; they care.

Unique perspective

Older men have two very purposeful gifts: foresight and hindsight. A lot of situations that you’ll find yourself in, they’ve already experienced, and wished they had someone to coach them through it. No need to reinvent the wheel, as they say; all of the wisdom is there for you which they’re more than happy to share. Generation gaps also provide insightful exchanges where conversation is concerned, and you’ll each find yourselves being enlightened on subjects you may never have delved into. As much as you’re learning from him, he’s absorbing from you too, and is enjoying it equally as much.