Tag Archives: Finding yourself

Audio Blog: Would you be in a relationship with you?

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Source: meloveletters.com

A lot of the topics for my blogs have been inspired by conversations with friends, whether I say little or a lot, there’s usually something that sparks a trail of thought for potential posts. Problem is, when I don’t rush to get those written down, they shrivel back up, though gasping for air, in this sardine tin I call, my mind.

“Part of growing up is being able to find solutions to your own problems. At the end of the day, if you can’t do it, there’s no amount of asking for advice that’s going to help because it’s you that has to implement this advice.”

Last night, I decided to not procrastinate quite so much and take action when the thoughts were fresh and relevant. There was no time to write this down, it would have turned into an epic piece of waffle, and I can’t say that waffle hasn’t been transformed into ramble, but I ran with the momentum at least. No edits, I’ve recorded and uploaded this just how it is and as you may have guessed the question: ‘Would you be in a relationship with you?’ will crop up in this audio, eventually, when I get to the point.

“Like I say to everyone, which is probably slightly negative, I feel like your twenties are just – can be – slightly overrated. This kind of image of being ‘twenty something’ which is thrust upon everyone, isn’t what it actually is, which is why I love my website so much and writing because at the end of the day, I think I present a honest account, even if it is slightly self-depreciating, I just like to be honest.”

Apologies for it being so long, I guess I do like the sound of my own voice after all…

“You need to think about the value that you’re adding to other people’s lives. And before you think about the value that you can add to another person’s life, you need to think about the value that you’re adding to yourself.”

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You have the makings of the perfect wife

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But. Cue the hugely uncomfortable elephant in the room. The conversation game changer that turned what was an off-comment I had moved on from into 12 Whatsapp messages, a sorely bruised ego (yes, mine) and a rapidly-engulfing wave of emotion. It went something like this….

Curiosity – ‘why so many messages?’; anxiety – (she felt scanning line 1 of many) ‘I couldn’t be in a relationship because what?!’; disbelief – ‘I make everything about me?’; humiliation – (reading a crafted list of several topics I discuss) ‘but these things were important to me at the time’; hurt – ‘does everyone else think I’m a broken record?’ You get the picture, right? It went from bad to severe. And when I thought that he couldn’t have taken a larger chunk out of my soul, he drops the finishing move like an absolute pro. “You have the makings of the perfect wife but…never mind.” [Pause for dramatic effect]

[Hold pause]

In the heat of my embarrassment, ordinarily my instincts would have propelled me to defence mode in 0-60 seconds. However, having a sharp tongue has never done me any favours so instead I held it down; swallowed my pride into the vacuum he’d created in my chest and rather diplomatically thanked him for enlightening me, on me.

This was never a conversation about my suitability as a wife. There are plenty of lengthy modules left to go in my so-called ‘wifey programme,’ including: perfecting my West Indian cooking, tuning into others, learning the art of touch and most of all, self exploration and love. Books can help me along; sign post me to unfamiliar areas and insights but the knowledge and wisdom thereafter, is only learnt through experience and most importantly, independence.

When I decided to use the small situation above as inspiration for a post, I did have a trail of thought in mind, I promise, but now as I’m writing that has drifted elsewhere but I guess the point is that we need to really assess the suitability of the men in our lives. Cross-examine and investigate the hell out of them and their intentions. A male friend of mine said to me sometime ago that women have been conditioned to distrust their intuition, which we have. We sense that something is off but then ignore the catalyst and turn the gun on us rather than analysing the variables. Peace of mind being the dependent and those you let in, the independents. Only difference is, this isn’t some experiment in a lab.

No one knows you better than you know yourself, first of all, so let’s stop falling for the trickery. Being a woman is about change, second, but that change should never be influenced by your desire to please someone else. And what I’m going to round up this 500 words on is above all, happiness and self-acceptance, should be your motive. Find it through yourself and all will be right in your world. Live, Love, Learn.

TwentysomethingMe.

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I Am: Conscious

My actions have no enthusiasm behind them, an even worse, my words have no power to bind them. They’re void of meaning but fiercely vulnerable to influence, of, those who I deem wiser, more mature, more go-getting of life while I, on the other hand, run and trip over my feet, I can’t tell my left from my right or what’s suited to me. So toothless, unarticulate, clueless, meaningless, thoughtless, lifeless – where’s the mighty roar? Let me become a vulturous creature and soar to where they say my head is at up there in the clouds. In my own world, a dream world, called ‘Vicky’s world’ where everything is how it should be, metaphorically, but never literally or physically. Who am I fooling? To who do I perform my acapella? Soliloquay. No one, just me. An audience with you, me and Irene. The irony.